esquire.com – The sound of the sad trombone doth echo throughout the brainpans of Serious Conservative Thought Leaders these days. The Republican Party—the living embodiment of their hopes and dreams for nigh on 50 years, the vehicle through which they have brought the country the blessings of nearly untrammeled firepower, exploding fertilizer plants, and John Yoo—has been hijacked by a vulgar talking yam who is a much better con man than most of them ever thought of being.

Now, as The Great Accommodation inevitably unfolds, every morning brings a new betrayal, every newscast brings another lash to their tender consciences. What’s a fella to do?